The Bodybuilding Days Part 3 – The Pictures

If you read the two previous entries in this series, The Bodybuilding Days Part 1 – The Quest For Huge and The Bodybuilding Days Part 2 – Big Legs,  you know I started my bodybuilding career by winning the Teenage Mr. Maryland. Understand, however, that I didn’t just wake up one day with huge legs, massive pecs, streaks of fake tan, and horribly half-dyed blonde hair. A great deal of work went to creating that huge hunk of hunkiness. I wasn’t a one hit wonder either. I went on to achieve no fame, and no fortune, but continued on my path to maximum bloatedness. Here, my friends, foes, and creepy gay masturbators, is the proof. (Click on any photo to enlarge)

I was born with a beer belly and giant ear lobes, but already the ladies stared when I was shirtless, patiently waiting for my biceps to grow.

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I’d eventually become a young man, sporting eleven inch guns and even larger zits. The Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno, inspired me with his awesomely huge hair.

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For the next year I would eat, sleep, and train my muscles all day, every day, in my quest for size. With fanatical dedication, my physique started to take shape, along with the first of many cool hair styles. And like all professional bodbuilders, I practiced my posing in the living room, wearing my Jockey brand string bikini briefs.

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My arms are massive next to a small childs school desk. I can crush small children.

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My calves take shape, although my ass does not. No, this is not a giant red diaper.

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The shape of my thigh is accentuated by the high cut of my panties, er, manties, no, um, my hot n’ sexy manliness holder.

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Look, up in the sky! No, seriously, it’s just me demonstrating my versatility in artistic body posing. Feel free to sketch.

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When you start to reduce your bodyfat, you require professional posing trunks that are very, very yellow. Banana yellow, if you will. (also note pre-Seinfeld ‘Kramer Hair’. Bodybuilder and trendsetter?

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For the ladies…

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No no…it’s not a life size version of ‘The Thinker’, carved out of pure stone. It’s just me silly.

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As you saw from the previous blog, all that thinking eventually led me to great success as a teenage bodybuilder. I’m pretty famous.

In case you forgot how glorious I looked from the last blog, here is the pic taken moments after I demolished the hopes and dreams of the other teenage boys, much like I still do only now it’s by stealing their girlfriends.

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Reducing your bodyfat to such a low level requires a strict diet, tons of cardio, and a ridiculous amount of willpower. Often, bodybuilder will lose between fifteen and fifty pounds of fat and water to get looking so ripped. This leaves the body starving so, during the post contest binge, you sometimes get a little tiny smidgen of bloat.

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(Fashion tip: Hiking up huge pink shorts hides bloat)

Eventually, my bloat subsided, I began dieting again and moved on to my next competition. I was older, wiser, and had almost normal hair.

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Ok, maybe almost normal hair color.

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There’s no denying that these posing trunks are way manlier.

My glutes are sqeezed tighter than when I’m in West Hollywood!

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You might notice the trophy, the fake tan, or even that fact that my mom is very proud. But did you notice that years and years after my first, eleven inch arm pic, the ghost of Lou Ferrigno’s hair is haunting me in the background?

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Shortly after this glorious second win, I bloated, er, bulked up again. My new found fashion sense is apparent by my fanny pack worn front style, my cuffed pants and my Reeboks. My hair is not shaved off, by the way, it’s pulled back tight with a tiny little pony tail. You can call me Big Sexy.

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(Yes, they are Bugle Boy jeans that I’m wearing)

And that’s the story leading up to when I really got big. I can’t post those pictures in this particular blog. I’m so massively huge that even the file sizes are monstrous. Pixels can’t contain the absurd amount of lean muscle tissue I pack onto my body in subsequent years. I’m not sure your cornea will allow your vision to encompass all of me, in my manly manhood. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll post another blog with the pictures of me when I finally achieved the pinnacle of my bodybuilding ‘career’. When I finally became the person I set out to become. When finally, all of my years of hard work, dedication, and steriod abuse paid off and I could scream out to the world….

Dude, I weigh 230 pounds.