We all agree that I am an exceptionally great person who cares about everyone else in the world and just wants them to be happy. As such, it’s my duty to share with them the most magnificent gift that mankind could ever hope to receive, more of me. And, while I’ve been voted “Most Likely To Be Immortal” by my peers (I have no peers), there’s still a reasonable chance that I will one day expire. Hence, I have created life in the form of my son, Franklin Nathaniel Prather IV (aka Four) and will raise him to be exactly like me, perfect.
Below are 10 things that I’m teaching Four so he can be a superior being, just like his humble father.
1) Most people are irritating so it’s best to simply avoid them. However, you can to share yourself with them via social media so that they may bask in the digital glow of your visage. By the time you’re ready to do that without my assistance, I predict that the most popular site will be Instahologram.com (Instaholagram.com in Spanish) where others can feel ignored by a life sized you, as if you were in the same room.
2) All religion is nonsense, “god” is pretend, and “spirituality” is for hippies, chicks, and motivational speakers. You should be logical, like Spock, only with a scathing wit and winning smile.
3) Exercising and eating right will result in good health, a better physique, hotter significant others, and the right to lord your superiority over everyone to an even greater degree than just being smarter than they are. Nice pecs = lots of se…you get the idea.
4) Be smarter than everyone. This might be the easiest thing on the list.
5) You can listen to and enjoy all types of music as long as you agree that Prince is the greatest musical artist that has ever lived.
6) I don’t care if you’re straight or gay, just never wear white sneakers with jeans or use emoticons.
7) Make fun of everyone equally but lay off those weaker than you. Mockery makes life worth living but bullying is for pussies.
8) Violence is never the answer unless you’re beating the shit out of a bully.
9) Being attractive is a result of good genetics which were bestowed upon you by your father. You’re welcome.
10) There is no one greater than your father in any way. No one.
This is just the beginning of what I’m going to teach you. Eventually you will be filled with so much knowledge that, along with your impressive physique and extreme good looks, you’ll be pretty much the best person ever, just like me.
We are already alike in so many ways…