Throughout my life I’ve wavered back and forth between the idea of having a kid(s) or simply continuing as the most important living being of all time and the center of the known universe. Today I would like to formally announce proof that I am, in fact, god, because I have created life.
BEHOLD, I AM WITH CHILD!
Fine, Lisa is with child, but I put it in her. A uterus without a baby is just an empty room. Now that I’ve furnished it with my decor, it’s a living room. I’m like the host of Extreme Womb Makeover.
“We’ll make this giant head the focal point and these fingers will be a lovely conversation piece. How do you feel about an innie belly button?”
In December of 2013 I proposed to the love of my life, knowing that I was absolutely 100% ready to be married and have a kid (see The Proposal). I even pushed for an earlier wedding date so that we could start the procreation process. However, for once, Lisa didn’t take forever to get ready and we were off to the pregnancy a bit sooner than anticipated. She finally discovered a loophole in the “No Eating” policy I have for a future bride.
We’d planned to initiate “Project Baby” about a month before our October nuptials because I was so anxious. So the idea of Lisa being pregnant was already a seedling planted in my mind, but the actual news was such a surprise that it didn’t even register. I came home from work on a Wednesday and she was already sitting on the sofa. As her commute is longer, she typically arrives home almost an hour later than I do, but she explained that she’d gone to do some family stuff so I didn’t question it. Hungry as hell, I was walking into the kitchen in search of dinner when she asked, “Will you check the bun I put in the oven?”, to which I responded something along the lines of “Sure, blah blah blah”. I opened the oven, spotted one individual bun in said oven, then began quietly seething because clearly she was making herself something for dinner and hadn’t made me anything. We bantered back and forth while I contained my inner rage at her complete lack of consideration for my hunger when she asked, “Do you want a bun in the oven?”. At this point she could have thrown a live baby at me and screamed, “This is yours dumbass” and it wouldn’t have mattered.
SHE DIDN’T MAKE ME ANY FOOD!
I declined her too-little-too-late offer of a bun in the oven and went to the fridge to hunt and gather my own dinner. Upon opening the refrigerator I spied what she’d prepared for me —a baby bottle and a card. Now, for those of you who know me this next statement will demonstrate the extreme level of my shock. I was speechless. Prior to this moment, virtually anyone would attest that the only thing likely to render me unable to gift others with the sound of my voice would be my own death. Apparently, my death is not the only event able to push my hard-to-find mute button. A new life can silence me as well.
The only words I could muster were, “Is this a real thing?” to which she responded an emphatic “Yes!”. I stood there as if Hiro Nakamura himself had squinted really hard and frozen me in time. That was nine and a half weeks ago and here I am, finally thawed out enough to speak again.
Today, I am forty-four years old, six months away from having my first child, and barely mature enough to be allowed out in public. My life, to this point, has been a wild ride, filled with all manner of adventure, some glorious, some ill advised, but I’ve loved every minute of it. Because every decision I’ve made, every path I’ve taken, and everything I’ve ever done has led me to this. I hope you will come along with me as I hop on my Harley and ride into fatherhood on my journey to becoming what I’ve always wanted to be….
A Bad Ass Dad.